I Have Been Missing


I have been avoiding my blog for a while.  I have gotten a lot of questions as to why.  And there are a lot of answers.

I think one of the obvious reasons is I lost my momentum.  I started to feel like all of this was a job, and a not fun job at that.  I stopped seeing results, I got frustrated, I got tired, and what killed it was I didn’t have my support to back me anymore.

Today is a year since Jake and I broke up, and even though I am over it, I can’t say that this blog doesn’t remind me of him when I look at it.  So much of this blog included him.  And so much of my healthier me adventure had him in the background.  It got hard when I lost that.

That sounds like I depended on him too much, and I didn’t… I still have the drive but sometimes it gets boring by yourself.

This year has been a year of dating.  A year of finding all the people I DON’T want to be a with.  A year of feeling like I am some big weirdo that has hobbies that don’t go together and that the person I am looking for is a unicorn, and most likely probably not in Brooklyn, heck, probably not even in NYC.  I mean seriously, you know you’ve looked high and low when you meet someone from the Bronx (no offense, but thats like a long distance relationship lol)

This year turned out to be a really hard year, and for reasons that a lot of people don’t know.  I honestly never wanted to talk about it, because my family reads this, because my friends read this, and because well enough people read this and I don’t want phone calls, I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want you to ask me any questions about it (Dad), I have already talked about it, and I am okay.  But then I realized I should talk about this because I am not the only one that has been through it.

This year was hard because I was basically assaulted by someone I trusted.  Someone that I thought was a good person.  Someone that made me question my judgement on people.  And he hurt me enough to make it so that there was a good amount of time that I couldn’t work out.

We worked out together, he was actually a person that pushed me, he was there the first time I squatted 205.  Heck he was the one that filmed it.  He was a cool person that liked me, that I had things in common with and was a lot of fun.  We could talk for hours, he lived close, he used to drive me to work in his giant jeep when it snowed and I couldn’t ride my scooter and he understood where I was mentally and what I needed at the time, so I thought.

His downfall, he worked on military ships.  I met him when he had a few months off, but then he got a job on some giant radar ship and had to sit in the middle of the ocean for two months.  We kept in touch, he texted me every morning before he went on his shift, I wasn’t waiting for him, but I suppose I wasn’t actively looking for someone to replace him either.  It all changed when he came home though.  When he came home he was a different person.  He was mean, and he took advantage of the situation.  He was huge and a lot stronger than me.  That time I squatted 205, he was squatting over 500.  When I dropped the bar, he picked it up with one arm and just re-racked it like it was 10 pounds.  and he used all that to his advantage, and then he walked out when I said stop.

I feel like a jerk because i didn’t take the situation to where it should have gone.  I texted him that he hurt me, and then I let him slide and go on with his life.  I felt like I wasn’t going to win, I didn’t want to keep talking about it, and I didn’t want to have to go through the hoops I would have to jump through to get him in trouble.  I also didn’t think he hurt me as bad as he did.  I figured I would give it a week or two and my back would be fine, I would just take some time off from heavy lifting and I’d be back to it in no time….

I was wrong.  That was in May… I am not saying I am still hurt, but sometimes it still acts up.

You are probably wondering why I am talking about it now and on here, when I just said I didn’t want to talk about it.

It’s because I realized the other day when I was sitting there thinking about how I failed this year… about how I didn’t meet any of my goals, and about how I gave up on this blog.  That I did what I had to do, and that I didn’t fail, I just had new things I had to tackle.

I probably lost a lot of my readers by now.  I probably disappointed a lot of people by losing sight of my goals, but I had other things I needed to be strong about this year and there is always next year to get back to reaching the goals I have to improve my outside.

I guess this year I didn’t get physically stronger, but I got mentally stronger.  And while I didn’t do everything right, I still know I was strong enough to say no, I was strong enough to realize things had to end, and I was strong enough to confront the person that was originally so much stronger than me.

I have no clue where he is, probably on another ship in the middle of no where.  I hope that the conversation that we had after the fact changed him.  I am scared that it didn’t.  I hope that he never does to someone else what he did to me, and it sucks that I can’t promise that because I didn’t go through the motions of reporting it.  But I also in a way think that he didn’t mean for it all to happen and got embarrassed.

I just hope that everyone does end up as strong as me, or stronger than me even, and doesn’t let something like that keep happening to them.  And knows that no matter what, they are better than any person that decides to hurt them for their own pleasure.  You are stronger than anyone else that says “you should just take it” or calls you selfish for saying no.

It is never selfish saying stop, it is never mean to say no.  If you are not comfortable say it.  And if that person walks out on you, take that as a good thing, because you don’t need that in your life.  No one deserves that ever.  I realize that it is hard, I only told a few close people.  I am just glad that I understand my worth, and I know I am worth more than him, or anyone willing to harm someone, be it physically or mentally.  At some point I blamed myself because there was a moment there that I was being self destructive. (I bought a motorcycle 2 weeks later, you be the judge lol)  But when something like that happens, it’s never your fault, even if in the beginning it is totally consensual.  Please remember that.

So now that we are close to reaching the end of 2014, I am both happy and sad.  I am ready for a new year to start and hopefully get better.  I am hoping to start reaching more of my goals that had been pushed aside this year, and I hope that I keep getting stronger.  Maybe even finally meet that perfect lifting partner for me, that isn’t allergic to cats, and can also appreciate my style and other hobbies as well…. and preferably has a shaved head, doesn’t really drink much, doesn’t do drugs, has tattoos, will let me paint them up like a zombie sometimes, and will run a tough mudder with me and lives in or near Bushwick, Brooklyn.  okay thats a lot, but a girl can dream can’t she?

there are probably a lot of typos in here, and I am sure could be edited, but honestly I don't want to read this over and over. I hope that the message is still there.

I will Triumph…. Even If I had to Buy It.

If I was going to do update photos, it was for sure going to be with my Bonneville.  Honestly my body hasn’t been changing much lately.  But given all the stresses that I have gone through lately, I can’t really blame it.  With that said, I am not saying I am still not constantly pushing myself, and I am still improving.  I am still hitting PR’s with back, biceps, triceps, and shoulders.  I suppose I am in the muscle building stage.  And the motorcycle adds to my “bad ass” building stage.  Not totally related, but just as important. MOTO_6_small

This is pretty much the exact bike that I wanted, I didn’t settle, I searched, I did my research, I know more than I ever thought I would know about his thing, and I keep learning even more every time I ride it.  Like you can’t start your bike in 1st gear with the kickstand down.  And if you try don’t think you broke it, just put it in neutral. oh man.  I also learned not to drive with the choke on.  But now I will never forget!

MOTO_3_smallYou know how else I know I am getting stronger?  I might have lightly dropped it in a turn. Then I had to pick all 495 pounds of it up, all by myself.  Tell me if you can do that.   I can, and I did.  My dad said i should get a smaller bike because you should be able to lift your bike if it falls.  Now he is convinced I only started working out for this moment.  Maybe that was always in the back of my mind when I started. We will never know, but at least I know I can do it.  Hopefully I won’t drop it again though.

MOTO_1_smallThe best part of my bike is I am meeting new people.  I obviously don’t trust leaving this on the street so I am parking it with a motorcycle club.  I don’t know what I would do without them.  They are the nicest coolest guys ever, and even came to my rescue when I made a silly mistake.  The only bummer is that I can’t join because I am a girl.  That’s lame  but in my internet searches, I found an all girl club based in Brooklyn and I am waiting to find out how I can join.  I hope it’s official and I get patches.  I want those patches like the boys!

MOTO_9_smallI love how surprised people get when they find out that this is mine.  Why is that so shocking?  Just because I like pink doesn’t mean that I can’t be tough!  The other day when I was sitting in the Trader Joe’s parking lot on my bike a guy came up to me asking why I was sitting on my man’s bike without him.  Maybe that was him trying to figure out if I had a boyfriend, but that approach totally backfired.  When he asked me for my number, I told him I don’t give my number out to guys that don’t believe that this is mine.  I win.

As far as my eating goes, I am giving eating mostly raw a shot.  I have done it for almost a month.  Not 100% raw, but I’d say about 90% raw.  If I want something cooked I’ll eat it, but honestly I haven’t really missed too much.  I start my morning off with 32 ounces of water with a lemon squeezed in, and have been eating just fruits and vegetables.  None of those designer raw meals that take hours to cook.  I have literally just been stoping at my local produce stand and buying whatever fruit is ripe and eating it just like that.  I have been noticing that my skin has been looking amazing, my weight seems to be slowly creeping down and I feel energized.

I know the first thing you are going to ask is “But what about protein”  Greens have protein.  I don’t feel like I have gotten weaker, I still have a baby bicep peak, and you can see the head of my tricep still, so honestly i just don’t believe the huge protein hype.  1 gram per pound I think is excessive, I didn’t see any changes following that rule, and I haven’t noticed any negative changes by eating how I am eating.  While the fruits and veggies are plentiful I am going to stick with this diet, and once the season dies down, I’ll figure it out from there.

Thanks to Lydia Hudgens as usual from taking amazing photos of me!  I love them!!!!!

Run With Me! Let's Get Messy Together! The Neon Dash 5k 2014

We all know I love to do the 5k runs that are messy!  Mud, colored powder, zombies.  You name it I’ve tried it.  And now there is one that combines what that I loved when I was in my early twenties (neon and backlights!) with what I love now (running and being healthy).  It couldn’t be a better combination and its called the Neon Dash.